Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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