oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
