I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
