I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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