If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Too much gin, very little bucket
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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