I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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