sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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