My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
