Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
a search helicopter?!
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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