somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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