Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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