I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
