We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize