Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
