I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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