I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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