a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
That accounts for only three of the penises
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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