I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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