I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
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