my phone needs a breathalizer
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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