just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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