Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
