when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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