So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
