I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Text me some of your sweat
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