the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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