hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
