I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize