Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
