One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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