I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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