Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
