I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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