If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
3pm strippers are depressing
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
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