We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
