And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
me + whiskey = a bad person
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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