I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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