You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Randomize
