Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
