Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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