My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
There's even glitter on my cock...
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize