I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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