we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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