And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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