Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
