She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Randomize
