If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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