no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
