I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
