my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
