Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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