This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
