Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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