theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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