I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize