please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
