apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
