My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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