R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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