I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
