I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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