My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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