Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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