I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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