I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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