connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
